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December 9, 2013 / minusbar

Christmas is Coming: Santa Revealed!

UPDATE: Still no response from GRRM’s representation when we contacted them for questions concerning this revelation.


After much thought and research, I have come to a somewhat groundbreaking discovery: the identity of Santa Claus! Despite years of disbelief in this holiday figure, the connection has been made. While many of the commonly accepted details of this character have been proven to be myth, the man himself does in fact exist. It is my pleasure to unveil the findings of my research just in time for the Christmas season.

George R.R. Martin is Santa Claus!



He’s making a list, and checking it twice.

The first, and most noticeable, indication of his alias is in his physical appearance. Both men possess a rather, ahem, full figure and possess awesome beards. Their cheeks are plump and rosy, and both of them wear glasses. They also share a love of rather interesting hats. Does this all sound like I’m stretching? I thought so too at first, but after using advance scientific face morphing software, the truth became undeniable.


Killing you, no matter if you’re naughty or nice.

So as you can see, the physical appearance is irrefutable. But wait…is that GRRM writing in the second picture? Maybe, or it could be him…  CHECKING A LIST! This would make perfect sense as to why finishing ASOIAF has taken so long, as being Santa Claus and attending cons has to be rather demanding on ones time. I’m impressed, but having flying reindeers probably at least reduces the burden a bit.

Now you’re probably thinking something along the lines of, “But Santa wouldn’t kill all those Starks!” You’re right, the Santa we’ve been raised to believe in wouldn’t do those things. But who here has read the original Grimm stories? Stay with me on this tangent, as I have a point. The original stories aren’t always as nice as the over glorified tales the media spins us in hopes to sell presents and decorations. Perhaps the real Santa is a writer who likes to give us the gift of amazing characters and yank them away to watch us cry. Maybe all of his wintery cheer got frozen over, leaving a murderous white-walker in it’s stead. The clues are there, the case is cracked.

There’s only one thing left to do, wait and wonder when winter will finally come and we’ll all get the gift we really want….

If another Stark must go, please let it be her!

P.S. I’ve been very good.


Roger Bellini


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