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March 16, 2013 / minusbar

10 Untrue Facts about Zachary Jernigan, from the Unicorn Lord himself! + Giveaway!!!

Help, there’s someone coming…  I can’t stop him! He’s breached the password and entering my wordpress dashboard!

GET AWAY FROM THAT POST BUTTON!

I better run for help before he does something we’ll both regret….

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————————————  *Security Breached*

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————————————————-  *All Posts Hijacked

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Zachary Jernigan has now taken over this blog. All your posts has be mine.

10 Untrue Facts About My Debut Novel, No Return

 
1. While writing it, I’d dress up my turtle and my cat in outfits described in the novel and then write scenes based on what they did. That’s why there are so many scenes of larger characters smacking smaller characters who are hiding in shells. Also, it’s why there’s so much licking, sleeping, and moving slowly.
2. Religion plays a big part in No Return. In fact, it’s rather critical of religion. This is because when I was a kid I prayed for an awesome pocket knife, got one, and then cut my finger off with it.
3. My book has a hidden page. If you rub it on a close friend’s butt in a really creepy way and say, “You loooooooove it,” the page will magically bloom into existence, but it will smell like your friend’s butt. You should still read it, though.
4. I once ate over 80 relatively small chicken wings, which equaled about 40 regular sized chicken wings. This experience, more than any other, made me anxious to write a novel. And yes, this makes perfect sense.
5. If you take all of the letters I used in No Return, you will be able to spell every single word in the English language except one. That word, of course, is glo☥oper.
6. Three people got married while I wrote the first draft. One of them was you. I know I’m a bit late saying so, but congratulations!
7. In 2005, I lived in Santiago, Chile. In the Plaza de Armas, I once saw a pigeon beat the living crap out of a raven. The character of Vedas was inspired by the raven’s son, who I like to think has avenged his father by now.
8. There’s a pretty famous 15-minute scene in the movie Ghostbusters where Bill Murray makes out with Dan Aykroyd to a 15-minute-long version of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.” Surely, you know the part I’m talking about. So… Yeah. If you get the deeply erotic meaning of that scene, you’ll understand my book just fine.
9. No Return has a character named Berun. His original name was Buttrumpet, which my editor thought looked a little bit too much like Butt Trumpet. I think the connection is pretty thin, frankly. No one before my editor noticed it. Because of this, I’ve severed ties with my editor and mailed him several boxes of live scorpions.
10. One of these facts is in reality true! (Ooh! Curve ball!) And if you’re a resident of the US or Canada and guess which one it is, you’ll be entered into the random drawing to win the hardcover copy of my book. Choose carefully, and good luck!
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Okay ladies and girls, boys and squirrels, Roger here again.
If we didn’t lose you in the marvelous madness, here is what you need to do to win a copy of No Return by Zachary “Unicorn Lord” Jernigan:
(US & Canada only – Sorry!)
1. Read the post.
2.Comment saying which fact you think is actually true.
Once the submission period has passed, I’ll then select one correct answer at random and mail you the book. Make sure the email you leave works, as I am not Liam Neeson, I cannot find you.
Enter by Friday, midnight. Goodluck to all of you!
Thanks,
Roger Bellini
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12 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. RLovatt / Mar 17 2013 1:59 am

    Now.. I know Zachary Jernigan (in the sort of intimate way you can only get with people who you’ve friended on Facebook but have never had a conversation with)… So I feel pretty confident in my answer.

    “My book has a hidden page. If you rub it on a close friend’s butt in a really creepy way and say, “You loooooooove it,” the page will magically bloom into existence, but it will smell like your friend’s butt. You should still read it, though.” Is so very obviously true.

  2. Glenn Kern / Mar 17 2013 5:55 pm

    I guess number 4 (chicken wings sound real and the other options are creepy but not in a Lovecraft way).

    By the way Roger, I’m the old guy you met at Mysticon and we watched (sort of) the Finnish horror film while reading a draft of your short story).

    • minusbar / Mar 21 2013 12:41 pm

      Hey, I’m glad you found me on here! I really enjoyed chatting with you at Mysticon, it made Christian Dreadful more entertaining for me.

    • jerniganzachary / Mar 22 2013 6:36 pm

      Bingo, Glenn!

  3. ARamone / Mar 18 2013 12:07 am

    I think nine is true…I accidentally got mailed one of the boxes of scorpions.

    • jerniganzachary / Mar 22 2013 6:37 pm

      Yeah, sorry.

      Bingo!

  4. Gregory... / Mar 21 2013 11:35 am

    I’m going with number 7 since I particularly love corvid a and ravens and hope that sone has gotten his ever so cold and bloody revenge by now….

    • jerniganzachary / Mar 22 2013 6:37 pm

      It’s my only hope that he beat the crap out of that stupid pigeon.

      And… Bingo, Gregory!

  5. g15hade / Mar 21 2013 11:37 am

    I’m choosing number 7 since I happen to dig corvids and ravens think most pigeons are vermin and hope that that son has gotten his cold and very bloody revenge by this time….

  6. Dusty Wallace / Mar 31 2013 8:46 pm

    Number 2 must be true. When in doubt, I always go number 2…….

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